Clocks

When clocks go hungry, they go for seconds. 

Vaccum cleaner

I sold my vacuum cleaner. It was just gathering dust. 

Puns

IT'S SO MUCH "PUN" !!  :)

What did the sea say to the sand? Nothing, it simply waved!

Why was the toilet paper rolling down the mountain?

To get to the bottom!

Who said grapes are soft? They never cry when you step on them, they just let out a bit of wine!

"Why is there music coming out of your printer?"

"That will be the paper jamming again!"

I wonder how letters ever get to the recipient. The envelopes, afte all, are stationery.

What lies on the ocean bed, twitching uncontrollably? A nervous wreck!

Two wi-fi antennas got married last Saturday. The reception was fantastic!

Have you heard about this dude who had to have his left leg and left arm amputated after a car crash? -- He's all right now!

A bacon sandwich walks into a bar and orders a whiskey. 

"Sorry," growls the bartender, "we don't serve food here."

So what if I don't know what apocalypse means!? It's not the end of the world!

There was a sign on the lawn at a drug re-hab center that said 'Keep off the Grass'!

A small boy swallowed some coins and was taken to a hospital. When his grandmother telephoned to ask how he was, a nurse said 'No change yet'!

When the cannibal showed up late to the luncheon, they gave him the cold shoulder!

I don't think I need a spine. It's holding me back!

My tailor is happy to make a pair of pants for me, or at least sew it seams.

People are choosing cremation over traditional burial. It shows that they are thinking out of the box!

The one who invented the door knocker got a No-bell prize!

The other day I held the door open for a clown. I thought it was a nice jester!

I wasn't originally going to get a brain transplant, but then I changed my mind!

I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. It's impossible to put down!

The first time I used an elevator it was really uplifting, then it let me down.!

My friend's bakery burned down last night. Now his business is toast !!

--

Best Regards,
Rahul
425-445-0827

Just पूछिंग

*जस्ट पुछिंग ...*

किसी को पता है, 

गलतियों पर डालने वाला 

पर्दा कहाँ मिलता है..?

और कपडा कितना लगेगा .?? 

*जस्ट पुछिंग ...*

एक बात बताओ,

धोखा खाने के बाद 

पानी पी सकते हैं क्या ?

*जस्ट पुछिंग ...*

अगर किसी से चिकनी-चुपड़ी  

बात करनी हो तो 

कौन सा घी सही रहेगा ?

किसी को पता है ?

*जस्ट पुछिंग ...*

पाप को हमेशा 

घड़े में ही क्यूँ भरते है ?

ठंडा रहता है क्या ?

*जस्ट पुछिंग ...*

ये दिल पर रखने वाला 

पत्थर कहाँ मिलता है ?

और वो कितने किलो का होता है ?

*जस्ट पुछिंग ...*

किसी के जख्मों पर 

नमक छिड़कना है।

कौन सा सही रहेगा?

टाटा या पतंजलि ...?

*जस्ट पुछिंग ...*

कोई मुझे बताएगा कि

जो लोग कही के नही रहते,

आखिर वो रहते कहां हैं ?

*जस्ट पुछिंग ...*

सब लोग "इज्जत" की 

रोटी कमाना चाहते हैं।

लेकिन कोई "इज्जत" की 

सब्जी क्यों नहीं कमाता..?

*जस्ट पुछिंग ...*

भाड़ में जाने के लिए

ऑटो ठीक रहेगा या टैक्सी ?

*जस्ट पुछिंग ...*

एक बात पूछनी थी, 

ये जो *इज्ज़त* का 

सवाल होता है.... 

ये  कितने नम्बर का होता है ?

*जस्ट पुछिंग ...*

--

Best Regards,
Rahul
425-445-0827

जूते

बाब्बु :- देख बेटा मै तेरै खातर नए जूते ल्याया हूँ..... 

छोरा :- थैंक्यू पापा,

पर इनका साइज़ तो बड़ा है...

बाब्बु :- हाँ,

पहनूँगा तो मैं, तन्नै तो खाणे हैं बस...!!

--

Best Regards,
Rahul
425-445-0827

Puns

Q: Anyone know any jokes about sodium? 

A: Na

Q: Did you hear about the man who got cooled to absolute zero? 

A: He's 0K now

Q: What did the thermometer say to the graduated cylinder? 

A: "You May have graduated, but I've got many degrees."

Q: Did you hear oxygen went on a date with potassium? 

A: It went OK.

Q: What is the fastest way to determine the sex of a chromosome? 

A: Pull down its genes!

I was going to become a polymer scientist, but didn't because I thought the work would be too repetitive.

Organic chemistry is difficult. Those who study it have alkynes of trouble.

If you're not part of the solution, you're part of the precipitate.

--

Best Regards,
Rahul
425-445-0827

Math

36 Math jokes and puns

Beginner

1. Why was the fraction apprehensive about marrying the decimal?

Because he would have to convert.

2. Why do plants hate math?

It gives them square roots.

3. Why did the student get upset when his teacher called him average?

It was a mean thing to say!

4. Why was the math book depressed?

It had a lot of problems.

5. Why is the obtuse triangle always so frustrated?

Because it is never right.

6. Why can you never trust a math teacher holding graphing paper?

They must be plotting something.

7. Why was the equal sign so humble?

Because she knew she wasn't greater than or less than anyone else.

8. What do you call the number 7 and the number 3 when they go out on a date?

The odd couple (but 7 is in her prime).

9. What do you call a number that can't stay in one place?

A Roamin' numeral.

10. Did you hear the one about the statistician?

Probably.

11. What do you call dudes who love math?

Algebros.

12. I'll do algebra, I'll do trig. I'll even do statistics.

But graphing is where I draw the line!

13. Why should you never talk to Pi?

Because she'll go on and on and on forever.

14. Why are parallel lines so tragic if they have so much in common?

It's a shame they'll never meet.

15. Are monsters good at math?

Not unless you Count Dracula.

16. What's the best way to flirt with a math teacher?

Use acute angle.

17. Did you hear about the mathematician who is afraid of negative numbers?

They'd stop at nothing to avoid them.

18. How do you stay warm in any room?

Just huddle in the corner, where it's always 90 degrees.

19. Why is six afraid of seven?

Because seven eight nine!

20. Why DID seven eat nine?

Because you're supposed to eat 3 squared meals a day!

21. Why does nobody talk to circles?

Because there is no point.

22. Dear Algebra, stop trying to find your X.

They're never coming back — don't ask Y.

23. Teacher: Why are you doing your multiplication on the floor?

Student: You told me not to use tables.

24. After a sheepdog gets all the sheep in the pen, he reports back to the farmer: "All 40 accounted for."

"But I only have 36 sheep," says the farmer.

"I know," says the sheepdog. "But I rounded them up."

25. There are three kinds of people in the world:

Those who can count and those who can't.

Intermediate

26. Why should you never mention the number 288?

Because it's "two" gross.

27. What do you call a man who spent all summer at the beach?

A tangent. (A tan gent.)

28. What do baby parabolas drink?

Quadratic formula.

29. My girlfriend is the square root of –100.

She's a perfect 10, but purely imaginary.

30. What's the best way to serve pi?

A la mode. Anything else is mean.

31. Did you hear about the statistician who drowned crossing the river?

It was 3 feet deep, on average.

32. How do you get from point A to point B?

Just take an x-y plane or a rhom'bus.

33. The problem with math puns is that calculus jokes are all derivative, trigonometry jokes are too graphic, algebra jokes are usually formulaic, and arithmetic jokes are pretty basic.

But I guess the occasional statistics joke is an outlier.

34. Why did the chicken cross the Mobius Strip?

A: To get to the same side.

35. An engineer, a physicist, and a mathematician are staying in a hotel. The engineer wakes up and smells smoke. He goes out into the hallway and sees a fire, so he fills a trashcan from his room with water and douses the fire. He goes back to bed.

Later, the physicist wakes up and smells smoke. He opens his door and sees a fire in the hallway. He walks down the hall to a fire hose and after calculating the flame velocity, distance, water pressure, trajectory, etc., extinguishes the fire with the minimum amount of water and energy needed.

Later, the mathematician wakes up and smells smoke. He goes to the hall, sees the fire and then the fire hose. He thinks for a moment and then exclaims, "Ah, a solution exists!" and then goes back to bed.

36. There are three people applying for the same job at a bank: a mathematician, a statistician, and an accountant.

The interviewing committee asks the mathematician one question: What is 500 plus 500? The mathematician answers "1,000" without hesitation, and they send him along. Next, they call in the statistician and ask the same question. He thinks for a moment and answers "1,000… I'm 95 percent confident." When the accountant comes in, he is asked the same question: "What is 500 + 500?" He bows and replies, "What would you like it to be?"

They hire the accountant.

--

Best Regards,
Rahul
425-445-0827